


just joking around

by hypnotictacos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: References To Pedophilia, Sirius Black Lives, like i'm not kidding i wrote this at 1am, this is purely a crack fic, voldie has a sense of humor???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26245120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypnotictacos/pseuds/hypnotictacos
Summary: Just because you're mortal enemies and fated to kill each other doesn't mean you can't crack a few jokes every now and then. In which Harry and Voldemort share a tiny inside joke, and Harry is loving it.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Voldemort
Comments: 4
Kudos: 71





	just joking around

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I just want to put this trigger warning here: there are many references to pedophilia throughout this one-shot, so if that bothers you, then you may not want to read this.
> 
> Other than that, this is just a pure crack fic that I wrote at 1am and decided to post, because why not? So, enjoy.

Harry started to panic as Voldemort walked closer to him. His day was honestly going to shit fast, and he was just glad that he had been the one who grabbed the goblet instead of Cedric. His thoughts were brought back to the horrendously dreary graveyard he was currently in at the sound of Voldemort’s cackle. Voldemort was practically all up in his face at this point, and Harry had to feel a pang of sympathy for the poor guy. He was just so ugly. It was pitiful.

“Well, Harry Potter. It seems that I can touch you now,” Voldemort said slowly reaching his finger up to touch Harry’s scar. While normally, this action would have scared, or even disgusted Harry, he was just too done with shit to make coherent thoughts at the moment. Instead he just burst out laughing. Voldemort froze and then glared at him. “What? Why are you laughing?”

“Nothing, it’s just--” he gasped as the laughter continued. Finally, as he calmed down, he said, “Damn, Voldemort. I never knew you were into that kind of thing. Forget being a Dark Lord, you should be arrested for pedophilia.”

Voldemort’s eyes widened comically. “I-- what-- no-- that’s not--” He cut himself off and then glared at Harry again. Harry just stared back, waiting. Slowly, Voldemort’s face changed and then suddenly he burst out laughing. “Imagine the irony. Among all my crimes, I’m taken down for simple pedophilia.”

Harry smirked. “Hey, pedophilia isn’t a joke.” Voldemort just shook his head in amusement. Afterwards, they dueled and Harry portkeyed back to Hogwarts.  _ Huh, _ he thought to himself.  _ Voldemort has a sense of humor. _

* * *

Harry hated Umbridge. One lesson with her and he was already over it. Who did she think she was? What right did she have to--

“Potter.” Harry spun around to find none other than Draco Malfoy staring back at him with a blank expression. “Tell me why,” Malfoy said slowly, “every single time my father, or even I bring you up in a conversation, the Dark Lord starts smiling?”

Harry blinked. “He-- what?”

Malfoy sighed in irritation. “Look, I’ll be honest with you,” he said. “It’s terrifying. The image of his teeth haunt me every night when I go to sleep and I need answers. What the hell did you say to him that night?”

“You-- hold up,” Harry said. “You’ve  _ spoken _ to him?”

“He’s living in my home, Potter, keep up.”

Harry’s eyebrows shot up, and he promptly burst out laughing. Malfoy raised a questioning eyebrow. “I’m sorry, it’s just-- he really isn’t helping his case.”

“What?”

Harry smirked. “Wanna know a secret?” 

Malfoy narrowed his eyes at him. “What secret? Why do I feel like I’m missing something?”

Harry leaned forward dramatically and whispered, “Little old Voldie is a pedophile.”

Malfoy jerked back, eyes wide. “WHAT?”

“It’s true,” Harry said in a serious voice. “Did you know, the first thing he said to me when he came back was that he could now touch me?”

Malfoy looked disgusted. “That’s horrifying. That man needs to be in prison.”

“I know, right? But isn’t it bad for you to say that?”

“I don’t give a fuck! He’s a pedophile! Oh god, he’s just been down the corridor from my room all summer and I never even realized.” Malfoy shuddered. “That’s it,” he said, looking up at Harry with serious eyes. “I was already on the edge about this before, but now I know I can’t follow a man like him.” Then he turned and walked away, still looking horrified. Harry watched him walk away, surprised.  _ Huh, I guess that worked out well. _

* * *

Spells were flying everywhere. The Department of Mysteries was a complete mess as Harry ran through the crowd to where he saw Voldemort. As he reached the man, Voldemort turned around and  _ smiled _ at Harry. “Well, well, Potter. Aren’t you looking fine this evening?”

Harry couldn’t help himself; he cracked a smile. “Always for you, Voldemort.” Behind him, Harry could hear a voice that sounded vaguely like Sirius Black shouting, “ _ WHAT THE FUCK--” _

* * *

“Harry, we need to talk,” Hermione said, sitting down next to him on the common room couch.

Harry sighed. “If this is about Draco, I’ve already told you that he’s on our side and is only pretending to do whatever job Voldemort gave him. Trust me, Draco hates Voldemort.”

Hermione shook her head. “No, that’s not it. Although this does have a bit to do with Draco.” She hesitated a moment before saying, “Draco mentioned that Voldemort is… sexually interested in kids?”

Harry looked up in surprise. “He told you that? Since when have you two been talking?”

“That’s not the point here, Harry,” Hermione said firmly. “I just need to know; did he do anything to you that night in the graveyard? Anything at all? Because I want you to know that if he did you can tell me without fear of judgement.”

A small part of Harry melted at sentiment.  _ Aww, she really does care. _ “No, Hermione, nothing happened.”

Hermione studied his face for a moment before nodding. “Ok, well that’s good to know. However, just in case, I do think we should tell the other members of the Order about this.”

Harry smiled. “Sure, Hermione. We can do that.” Inwardly, he cackled.

* * *

The Order stared back at Harry and Hermione with mixtures of disgust and astonishment.

“You-Know-Who is really like  _ that _ ?” Molly Weasley asked, sounding horrified. “I mean, I knew he was a horrible person, but this is just more than I could have even imagined!”

“How did you find this out, Harry?” Sirius asked. Suddenly his already disgusted face shifted into one of terror. “Don’t tell me he tried something on you?”

“No, no,” Harry said reassuringly. “He just made a comment about how now that he has a body again he can touch me.”

Sirius looked a little green. “I… am so sorry you had to go through that.” He shuddered. “So, is this why Draco Malfoy switched over to our side then?” Harry nodded. “I can’t blame the guy. Imagine living with him! Malfoy may need therapy after this.” Beside Sirius, Remus nodded grimly.

Snape sighed. “I always wondered why I always got chills whenever he looked at me when I was younger.”

Everyone’s heads snapped to Snape. “Wait, you’ve experienced this?” Sirius asked.

Snape shrugged. “He never made a move, but he was always intimidating. The only thing that was strange was how the way he looked at me changed once I was an adult.” Harry’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at that.  _ Wait… but I’m just saying he’s a pedo? It’s not true… _

“It seems,” Dumbledore said, “that we will have to make some changes to our plans in light of this new information. Thank you, Harry, for bringing this to our attention.” Harry smiled awkwardly and nodded.

* * *

“He wants me to kill Dumbledore.”

Harry stared at Draco in shock. “Kill Dumbledore? Really? But you’re only 16!” Draco nodded glumly.

“Well, you’re not going to do it, are you?” Hermione asked.

“Of course not!” Draco said. “I don’t even know why he’s asking me to do this!”

Ron snorted. “I doubt any of us want to know. I mean, who can even guess what other creepy fetishes the guy has up his sleeve? Maybe his love for children runs so deep that he can’t stand to look at old people like Dumbledore.”

“That’s silly,” Hermione argued. “Pedophilia doesn’t work that way.”

“How would you know? You’re not a pedo,” Ron countered.

“Guys, let’s not argue about this,” Harry cut in. “We have bigger things to worry about aside from how pedophilia works. We need to find a way to help Draco without placing a target on his back.”

“I have an idea,” Ron said. “Maybe Draco should just offer himself up to Voldemort and then after they kiss and do whatever else the guy’s into, Draco pretends to be completely against murder, and then Voldemort will lovingly tell him that--”

“Stop! I don’t need to hear anymore!” Draco shouted, looking pale. He glanced at Harry and Hermione pleadingly. “Don’t make me do that. For the love of Merlin and Circe’s lovechild, I will do literally  _ anything _ but that.”   


“No one is making you do that, Draco,” Hermione said comfortingly, while simultaneously glaring at Ron.

“Yeah,” Harry agreed. “We’ll come up with something else. Don’t worry.”

* * *

Harry sat in Malfoy Manor staring up at Voldemort with a face full of hives. Honestly, could’t Hermione have chosen a different hex?

Voldemort smirked down at him. “It’s a shame I can’t admire your beautiful face before I kill you.”

Harry glared. “Oh, shove off. Don’t you think I know that I look ugly right now?” Behind Voldemort, Harry could see Draco looking at him incredulously.

“Oh, no,” Voldemort said. “You could never be ugly. However, the hives do hide some of your natural beauty.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “What a pity for you.”

“Indeed.” They continued to stare at each other until Voldemort sighed and said, “No, it’s too much of a shame for me to do it right now. I guess I will let you go and kill you at a later date. You are free.” He started to turn around before pausing and saying, “Oh, and do take your companions with you on your way out. They’re an eyesore.”

Harry blinked but didn’t waste a second as he grabbed Ron and Hermione and quickly apparated away. As they landed outside of Grimmauld Place, his two friends instantly turned to him. “Harry, what the hell was that?” Ron asked. “Voldemort just spared your life so that he could look at you again!”

Harry shrugged. “What can I say? The man has taste.”

* * *

Harry watched as the dead body of Voldemort was dragged away by aurors. The sight gave him a feeling of morbid satisfaction. He thought back to the moment when he had sacrificed himself in the Forbidden Forest. 

…

_ “Well, well, what do we have here?” Voldemort said with glee in his voice. “You‘ve truly come here to willingly die?” _

_ “Yes,” Harry replies firmly. “I’m sorry but our relationship ends here.” He said it in a serious voice, as though he wasn’t joking. Apparently, Voldemort didn’t pick up on that. _

_ Voldemort raised an eyebrow. “Relationship? That’s strange, I didn’t think you were into older men.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier, Harry? We could have had more time.” _

_ Harry stared at him. “Why don’t you sound like you’re joking?” _

…

Who knew that after all the jokes, Voldemort was actually a pedo? Harry shuddered as he thought of all his past interactions with the man. He shook away the memories and turned to see his friends. They looked truly happy, and Harry smiled at the sight. 

Hermione walked up to Harry and he looked at her questioningly. “Harry, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Yes?”

She looked down and the floor, flushing, and said, “Draco, Ron, and I are in a threesome.”

Harry paused. The world was shifting, and people were making new lives for themselves. He was happy for Hermione and opened his mouth to say as much until her words finally sunk in. Harry’s eyes widened in shock. “Wait,  _ WHAT?! _ ”


End file.
